Welcome back. For me, it's great to be back!!! Well let's get into it, shall we? So many would say I am a type A personality. Always on the GO. BZ beeeeeee buzzing around on fumes even. So I decided at 60 years of age to become a certified fitness trainer. This is mainly due to bad habits like fast food, spicy foods, and fried foods. You know to eat healthy by incorporating smoothies, juicing, increasing my H2O intake, and exercising during my lunch breaks. I noticed the effect it had on me. My endorphins were energized as well as my metabolism. Bye bye brain fog and fatigue. I was advised by both a trainer and an instructor to take the fitness course and exam. Well anyone who knows me the word EXAM gave me anxiety...like is the exam optional? I grabbed the idea. I put my mind to it. Took the course and passed the exam!! I was so proud of myself. To me, this was my birthday gift to me passing the fitness trainer exam and turning 60, and still having my mom celebrate with me. This was big deal to me because for some reason I didn't think I'd make it to see 60 because my PB was always high and I drank a plethora of coffee, got a part-time job as a beauty consultant, and smoked cigarettes. That's sleep deprived but who needs sleep I am 60 years young now but something kept tugging at me. Call it intuition that feeling in your gut.
I had dropped weight, felt great, and even got a few people to train. This healthy life change was so beneficial to me. The best part was assisting other trainers in group settings out at the park in the spring and summer. Talking about feeling free. I was coming out of my shell. Getting some familiar routines down while networking. Like come on 65 so I can retire. I had plans and ambitions. You know the saying you are your own narrative. So later towards the fall of 2020, my mom took ill. I remember it was the last days of September. She got both flu and pneumonia shots and a few later her ankles and legs began to swell. My sister took her to the hospital and that's when we were advised they were admitting her to run a few tests. After 2 days I got a call to come to get your mom. Got to the hospital to only be told she needs to meet with an oncologist next week. I knew what that meant as I looked my mom in her eyes, you could see the fear and shock on her face. There was no hiding the fear. but my mom put on her declaration shield chanting you guy's are not the mortician and I am not going to die because I do not have cancer. All 3 of the physicians just held their heads down however they did cheer her on with positivity and thumbs up. On the 12th of October, Both my brother and I went with my mom to the oncologist but only 1 of us could go in the room with her. That's when my mom was advised that she had stage 4 ovarian cancer. We both looked numbed, devasted, and very much afraid, Like my mind went I don't know where but I saw their mouths moving but I clearly heard my heart beating so loud it made every word after cancer muffled. My mom and I hugged each other looking into each other's eyes until we both exploded with tears lots of tears nonstop. As they were discussing what's next the chemo the medz, the hair falling out, the fatigue, etc my mom yelled STOP!!! She said no chemo, no cutting, no wigs, no nothing because in her heart and mind she was going to beat this thing called cancer. This was on the 12th little did I know that 10 days later I'd be motherless. So I had to tell the grueling message to both my brother and sister. As both my mom and I were getting off the elevator the silence was super loud. My mom kept repeating Tammie don't believe them I am going to beat this. My brother walked over to us and I knew he could tell something was off by our demeanor, so he asked what did they say and I replied...Mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer. All 3 of us proceeded to cry as we walked to the parking car garage. Then my mom grabbed both of us and THANK YOU JESUS for allowing my children to be here with me now!!! It was a long silent ride, no radio playing music, no conversation, no laughter then my brother asked my mom if she was hungry and she said YES, let's go to IHOP. So here we are at IHOP and I can't believe she was hungry because clearly my brother and I couldn't stop crying much less eat anything. She ate a big plate and my mom was a little petite woman before cancer but she was much smaller now and ate all of her food, ranked 2 cups of coffee and was smiling and laughing while striking up a conversation . Everything she'd say we'd say simultaneously, Yes Ma'am. Then we got her to her house she turned to my brother and me and said please go home the both of you. I need time to process this and need to be alone. We both begged to stay and spend the night she said Nope go home, please. By now the news had spread throughout the family, and my sister was in disbelief ..like in a trance. 13th,14tand 15th we wanted to spend time with her but we noticed she was very fatigued and slept a lot. I thought about possibly depression settling in. On the 16th my mom called EARLY IN THE MORNING AS SHE ID DAILY but this time to say she was going to drive herself to the hospital but then decided to call 911 to get faster service in the ER. She sounded normal that morning, she said indigestion she just wanted to get on top of it was her words, no worry she said. All 3 of us kept calling and texting our mother and each other because none of us got a response from our mother and the hospital wasn't giving out any information. Then my brother called around 2:30-3:00 pm and it was like when our dad died...what you doing because my brother isn't a phone person ...so I began to stream if you're calling to say mom is dead..he interjected with no she's not dead but she went into cardiac arrest and we need to get there ASAP. My chest caved in because eat noon my chest was hurting and I kept praying Lord to help my mom and bring her home.
Well by the time we got there it all changed from ICU to end of life cycle and because of covid, only 1 sibling could stay. And it was me...God knows I didn't want this task but this is my mom. She'd stay with me if I was in ICU WITH NO DOUBT but FEAR crept in. I remember once my eyes saw her with a ventilator in her mouth I was DONE!! Take me Lord I said to myself. I am 60, I don't know how to live without my mom, I knew my mom was a praying woman, a prayer warrior so I did what I knew best, dropped to my knees on the cold hard cement floor for hours. My legs and knees were killing me with the pain of numbness. My heart was beating rapidly and I have never seen anyone die before Lord not my mom . My thoughts were ambiguous, hyperventilating, and cold sweat. I kept praying even baltered with God.. Lord if you let my mom open her eyes 1 more time so that i can properly kiss her goodbye..I promise I will not ask for another thing, Just let my mom be able to see her children before she leaves this earth. I was s telling her how she was a great mother, praying mother and how we need her and then my sister called about 2;45 am . As we were talking I was still on my knees and i told my sister i was still praying and she said she was too but just checking...then my mom eyes opened and i began to scream, my sister asked what's wrong..i replied mom's eye's are opened hold on...I went over to my mom, placed my face to her face and asked her can she see me..she shook her head, i even asked is she alive..she frowned at me i began to scream with JOY, LAUGHING AND YELLING MOMMY, MOMMY YOU'RE BACK PRAISE GOD OH THANK YOU JESUS!! So i knew God heard our prayers then each day it was multiple issues, she needed several surgies and my mom kept putting up 1 fingrt , yhre pointer finger while saying they will never cut on me. I was so hopeful as the nurses would tell me it's the surge she's transitioning. Igrew angry as they kept repeating that. I saw the shift it was going down they had to begin swabbing her mouth with a sponge and water to quench her thirst, she begin to look pale her color was leaving as her veins were closing up, she kept gazing at the door, and the conversation became mute. She would try to lift up when she heard her favorite gospel songs. I was like confused she was just talking, singing, and eating after they removed the ventilator. I thought she'd be coming home her birthday was next week, and she would have been 77. My faith was strong my confidence was failing because I could physically see the transformation happening rapidly and I couldn't STOP IT. I realize I had no appetite just coffee and water only. Sleep deprived but I wanted to let her know I am here afraid if I left her side she'd leave me. Then my mom kept saying I want to go home, my birthday is coming and I want to celebrate with my family. Finally, we had the meeting she was of sound mind, they kept finding health issues because her health was on the decline yet they couldn't perform any surgeries. We called our younger sister. As my brother and I ran downstairs to another department to sign forms to get her discharged we got the call..GET HERE ASAP SHE'S TRANSITIONING FAST!!! We got on the elevator and the only words we could say was OH JESUS HELP US PLEASE!!!! We are not ready for this!! We rushed by her side gospel music still playing and grabbed her hands and began praying I mean we ushered her into HEAVEN, MY MOM DIDN'T HAVE a BAD HEART IT WAS BROKEN!! She missed my dad and often would cry because she missed him so much, especially the holidays, their anniversary and birthdays or old songs would bring back memories. She actually heard each of us say I LOVE YOU MOM yOU WERE THE GREATEST and she called each of us by our names individually..what a BLESSING!!
On to the next step, you know funeral and burial,etc back to work after being off for 1 week. I thought I was in a good space although I was in survival mode. I am the fixer the tough person. I got this. Then it hit me once I got in the office. I don't have any parents nor grandparents OMG I am up next on the roller coaster of LIFE...death is coming after me. Like literally fear paralyzed me, I'd stop eating in the hospital and now I can't keep anything down, I couldn't sleep because I kept visualizing her taking her last breath and me asking her if she was afraid and she yes. I was afraid to live without her. Like who is going to be my prayer warrior, she calls 3 times daily and especially on my lunch break not to mention the 6 pm news. I think it finally hit me she's not coming back. These shoes of not having another don't feel so good. I sought grieving counseling because not only was I not eating, had insomnia, and I couldn't verbalize any of my emotions without crying ALOT!! Myriads of emotions piling up, my mind had thoughts all over the place, I had no clarity, my world was intense with tension, and I disconnected from people because I wanted to appear strong but I was broken. In my despair, I found grieving counseling helped me articulate all of my emotions. I would later discover I suffered from PTSD, It was very traumatic but me being able to masque my emotions, kept me going. Can't slow down because I am tough and the oldest. I remember describing my mom's death was like being on the autobahn with the speed starting at 100 mph, at night, pitch black, in a two-seater, no oxygen but I had to stop to pick up my mom then pick up cancer then bad lungs then bruised blood then bad arteries then collapsed veins then failed kidneys then shrunken liver,etc sweat all over my body, don't know where I am or headed just driving in the darkness crying and each time I picked up each ailment the speed would increase. I was running on adrenalin very hyped high adrenalin. I remember as I witnessed my mom's transitioning it was like being at a revival. Like I saw Jesus's creativity. He gave me a 2nd chance with my mom by reviving her was an honor and privilege to say goodbye to my mom She said my dad was in her hospital room, so my dad came to get her, I believe my mom struggled cause I do believe now they see glory in the transition. Part of her wanted to stay with us and the other half was ready to go on to glory...I truly think that's what she was referring to in the hospital when she kept repeating I want to go home for my birthday. Stress had become my cover, my new blanket along with grief even though I could begin to describe the emotions but feeling them was like being in 2 different places at the same time. I had to learn how to express it instead of suppressing it. I who was a joker have been told my laughter was contagious and energy was always on 10 was now n a dark place, with no peace and mourning for my mom. No energy to get up to go to work now it's because I am genuinely tired, have chronic stomach pains, and loss of appetite. Go on to be seen by primary and gastrologist doctors. They both provided me with prescriptions but the medicine wasn't healing the problem just masking it. Just like I was in life ..masking it. After realizing the severe loss of weight, chronic stomach pain, and diarrhea I was experiencing to ER I go. Only to have them tell me we are keeping me because I have a fever, dyhatred, look malnutrition and after several tests came back. It was said I had puss, my white blood cells extremely high and an abscess in my body and it's fortunate I got there when I did. So life had chin-checked me. It was scarey anticipating the news of what my illness was. At first, it was cancer then Chron's but after both teams got it together Diverticulitis slid in. I spent almost 3 weeks in the hospital then the next month, July I had another surgery and woke up with an ostomy bag, Here comes anger, anxiety, and bitterness just MADDDDDD. So 2 surgeries down and 2 to go because it is a temporary bag. I dropped from 175 lbs to 85 lbs..so I try to avoid the mirror because it doesn't lie. But Praise God! That's because I had my focus on the bag and how Im looked instead of God granting me an extension on my life. I had to be still the whole entire summer. I couldn't work either job. So I focused on what my limitations were rather than praising Him for giving me a break. But my youngest daughter bought me purple tulips and each morning I noticed it opened and at night it would close up. I realize God needed me to BE STILL to have the flower to show me that l don't have control of anything.
I am not the fixer, I am not baby Jesus, I don't have to have the last word nor do I have all the answers and my way isn't always the right way and my delivery sometimes sucks. So I summed my life up as this..I am a fitness trainer that now can't exercise like I used to but yoga is so beneficial for me. I think in my mind I am a diva at times with my love for perfume now I have to resort to smelling this bag much less being seen with this. This surgery taught me I must slow down and with that, I now have patience, calm, and look at God here comes peace. I became angry because I didn't know how to slow down until my world came to a complete halt. I count my BLESSINGS, I journal, meditate, you know I PRAY, sit with my hourglass, going to the library is my new hangout, affirmations are a must for me, I listen more unlike before I was giving out unsolicited advice, I love my better version of me because I moved my pride aside to get help with coping and navigating with grief. My doover has me feeling amazing because like the old hymn says I KNOW I'VE BEEN CHANGED!! IT WAS GOOD I WAS AFFLICTEDPsalm 117:71
You see navigating through grief I had to take my focus off of my mom's death date I had so many memories of her during my 60 years of having her on earth just like once I took my focus off of what I don't have control of...like the tulip I was grateful to have the ability to open my eyes to see the beauty of the world, see the sun and at night close my eyes and rest while giving praises just see another day. Not to mention to stop giving all of my attention to my ostomy bag and felt anger I realized God granted me an extension on my life because I began to count my BLESSINGS and YES, my cup does runneth over. Put in the work do what you must to reduce stress, get counseling to tackle those issues that are trying to paralyze you or keep you bound, stay in prayer, draw close to God because He knows best and stay healthy. Rest is a major component it helps to promote clarity and calmness. When are on overload or overwhelmed it causes anxiety.
I am so grateful for the peace God has bestowed upon me, Initial step is admitting you need help don't mask no one knows everything and no one has it all together. Be true to yourself. Self-help is priority #1 You write the narrative change your mindset you change the trajectory. SHOW UP SHOW YOURSELF SOME LOVE BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
Comments